Fandom and friendships

[amberdreams]

The other day I had a little moan and whinge about stuff  (Here).

One thing my little moment of childish weakness has taught me is that it's kind of shocking how many of us feel the same way!  To quote/paraphrase kalliel, it seems that whole "why does everyone seems to be better friends with each other than they are with me? :( Or like, man, I wish people did X or Y thing, or felt moved to email me/message me/etc. the way they do with their other friends..." is a common niggle for a lot of us. Maybe it's a trait of an introverted personality? Because I know many of us are here on LJ or online because we have introvert tendencies.

But when I post that rather inarticulate grumble what happens? Everyone rallies round to show me just how silly I was being.

I wonder whether we are all doomed to want to be closer to the people who are busy being close to someone else, just to be contrary. I do remember feeling exactly this way when I was at school too, and I'd love to know why the hell I never grew out of it!

And if I'm honest, I couldn't cope if loads of people suddenly decided to email me about stuff, I just wouldn't have time to deal with it! I have enough trouble as it is, trying to keep up with all the different communities and people on my Flist, and my other friends and family on Facebook and in real life. I wasn't made for having lots of friends, I'm used to having two or three at the most, and this (ok it's mostly virtual) is the largest group of friends I've ever had!

So really, I'm very grateful for each and every one of you. People here are so accepting and generous.

I'll apologise in advance if I ever miss a personal post of yours, but I do have an open door for PMs here if anyone does want to chat about stuff. I'm just hoping you won't all feel the need to message me at once LOL!

Comments

[blythechild.livejournal.com]

You've probably hit the nail on the head when you say that many of us are online because we are introverts and this is an easier way to be social than most.

Like you, I wasn't a popular kid and I still have those soul-shriveling moments of exclusion to this day, but I'm also a lot less concerned about fitting in than I was as a child. I'm honestly, finally okay with my weirdness and I think weird is a lot more interesting anyway. I think you're just the right amount of weird and that you are also very genuine even on a platform that makes that hard to display. I can't tell you to feel better about being left out of things, but I think you'd be a lot less you if you tried harder to be that person whom everyone emails all the time.

You know what I try to do? I try to be cool and inclusive to someone else. Because guess what? You are probably really cool to someone out there on the web and you don't even know it. If that means responding to a fangasm comment on a story or piece of art, or taking the time to write/create something thoughtful for another on LJ or Tumblr, FB etc. - it probably makes someone else feel less isolated and that's a good thing. If we nerds, dweebs, weirdos, and poindexters made it through adolescence with our egos and souls in tact, we owe it to send the elevator back down for the nerds who follow us ;)

♥

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Heh heh well I think you are pretty cool, so there you go. And your philosophy is a good one, I like the image of a Nerd elevator!

[dancing-adrift.livejournal.com]

THAT^ THAT^ THAT^
Well said, blythechild :) ♥

[blythechild.livejournal.com]

Thanks ;) ♥

[dancing-adrift.livejournal.com]

I'm one of your jerk friends who *didn't* respond to your initial post (though I did read it!) - I'm kind of bad about responding to most stuff, at least initially. But I totally get to feeling that way sometimes too! But then I'm reminded that I already have my close friends (like you said above - I'm not sure (actually, no, I'm positive) that I couldn't handle having more than a handful of close interactions all the time), and I remember how blessed I am by those friendships. And that any other interactions with lovely people that I may not be quite as close with is just a bonus! But I totally understand that feeling of wanting to be included, of feeling that you're not part of the 'in' crowd. As you've seen, as this post illustrated, you are *already* in the 'in' crowd, because you have your own crowd already! :)

Basically, what I'm trying to say is - ditto to everything you've said. And, because, (((hugs))) ♥ :)

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

It's one of the awesome things about LJ and why sometimes I say I 'live here'. It's a good place to be and that's because we can dip in and out, and immerse ourselves as deeply or shallowly as we feel we can bear, and still have lovely people to talk to.

So yay!

And edited to say - you are not a jerk! Silly billy.

[dancing-adrift.livejournal.com]

haha, okay, not a jerk - just self-deprecating to try conveying my guilt at not responding to the first post XP lol

But yes - after twitter, LJ is quickly becoming my happy internet space, and you're absolutely right that we can take it at our own pace, and that's awesome :)

[sw0rdy.livejournal.com]

I missed your original post the other day but I definitely identified with the sentiments in it (and your recent reflections). I think I'm always destined to lurch between the unhappiness of not being part of the 'in' crowd and relieved acceptance that by not being part of it, I can come and go as I please and not feel an expectation to be a certain way or post regularly or keep up with fast moving discussions on platforms such as Twitter.

That said, there's definitely something wonderful about having those shared connections. I don't have anyone in real life that I can obsess over fandom stuff with so I value my online friends. I discovered googlemail chat a while ago and I love contact that way as I tend to be rubbish replying to emails in a timely manner. I'm happy to give any of my flist my contact details. :)

P.S I'm with siennavie - I consider you one of the 'cool' kids in the SPN fandom!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Hee, that is exactly it - like I said to dancing_adrift - LJ allows us to dip in and out, and there's less pressure in it than elsewhere. I like that it allows us to think more, and mull things over rather than always be instantly reacting reacting reacting.

Interesting about the googlemail chat - I use Facebook that way. The instant chat on there is useful as well as fun - sometimes I can be on a group post discussing things, then have a separate discussion with one or two of the same people via IMs where we can expand on things more. It would be nice if LJ had a similar facility!

I'd happily chat on google if I was ever on there at the same time as anyone else.

[herminekurotowa.livejournal.com]

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Love you and your perfect giffing!

[siennavie.livejournal.com]

Over time, I've realized I can't handle a lot of friends either...not that I have many, but just saying I'm not good at keeping up correspondence and chatting every day, especially when it's done in writing. I edit myself too much. I'm better when we're just exchanging quick sentences and not a whole essay :) You'd think I would like twitter then, but I'm afraid I'd be leashing myself to my phone 24/7.

So now, it's not so much that I want a lot of friends, but a friend or two who think of me first, who want me by their side to experience things. IRL, I'm lucky to have my husband at least. But I wish I had girl friends like that...and a friend who shares my fandom interests and is on the same wavelength as me.

[kalliel]

So now, it's not so much that I want a lot of friends, but a friend or two who think of me first, who want me by their side to experience things.

YES! The dream!!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Seems like one we all share! :D

[kalliel]

We need a dating app for fandom bffs! XD

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

ha ha there's a thought.

[fairyniamh]

My current issue is I see something I want to respond to, but I just don't know how. So I keep quiet rather than make an ass out of myself.

Plus the heat is making me sweat out my brain cells. I think I responded... only to discover I only did so in my head. *groans* I am a horrible human some times.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Responding isn't obligatory, you know! And I doubt you'd make an ass of yourself either, so don't worry. (((hugs)))

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

I think it's true of a lot of us - as you say, it's great to have a social river flowing by which we can dip toes into when we want (and sometimes go for full submersion when we fancy it). I often yearn for in-person company and/or more direct online contact, then wilt when it actually happens and start to slide out of it. (Like, for example, not really trying to come to your fannish things last year, which I still feel bad about, and probably never mentioned because *avoidant*). And I know this, but I still feel left out sometimes when people really get together - then recoil when they include me...

Oh brains. Why?

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I'm avoidant too but having gone to conventions and chatted with real live people, I now enjoy the meet ups a lot. (There's another one this Saturday 12pm at the Mulberry Bush on the South Bank - if you don't think about it too hard and just show up, we'll be delighted!)

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

Good to know! I actually have National Theatre tickets for a matinee, so will be in the area - if I get there in loads of time (which is likely, knowing myself), I'll come and say a fairly swift hello.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Just look for a bunch of women old enough to know better, probably sporting a few SPN related t shirts, possibly with two blokes in tow, and a grown woman in an electric wheelchair clutching some mini Pop figures and that will be us.

[tifaching.livejournal.com]

hahahahaha. I can picture all of you!

[kalliel]

I don't think it was a moment of childish weakness; I think it was an important moment of emotional honesty. Even if maybe it doesn't feel that way ALL THE TIME, those moments are real and recurring and they still suck, even if you can wake up three days from then and know that of course you're loved, etc. I feel like the ebb and flow of that assurance is so real, and even if it's this strange thing that's impossible to pin down, it's something to be taken seriously. Sometimes we need to be reminded we are loved an sometimes we're totally okay without the reminder--but needing that isn't a bad thing. <333333 And I do think that it helps other people realize when someone does say something is that we are exceedingly happy to offer that support. I know that I, for one, am trying to do it more often and like, actually tell the person when I'm randomly thinking about them or that there was that one thing they did that one Tuesday that I thought was so great. I like the idea of living in a world glittered with that kind of communication. :)

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

ah now, you are most generous. Thank you.

[dear-tiger.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said. I think what we all want is one or two really close friends who will text/email with you back and forth. Doesn't mean that the rest of the friends are invalid. But it's awesome to have that one friend. Nothing ridiculous at all about that desire. *smishes you*

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

*smishes you back*

[sillie]

<3<3<3

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

♥

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

I didn't read the original post because I haven't looked at my flist in AGES. I'm back to it now because I want to be part of the movement to rejuvenate the SPN fandom on LJ. (I have Twitter and Tumblr accounts, but really, who has time for that!? I can't even keep up with FB.)

This caught my eye because 1. It was written by you and 2. I read this article yesterday and I think it is relevant:
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/07/opinion/sunday/do-your-friends-actually-like-you.html?smid=fb-share&_r=0

What they say about our capacity for maintaining close friendships resonated with me. I have four good friends for whom I would drop everything at a moment's notice if they needed me. There are many other people in my life that I care about, but not at the same level.

It's interesting to consider how virtual friends fit into this scheme. While I really like a lot of people that I have met online (e.g., YOU), I'm not sure that I feel particularly close to anyone. I don't guard my RL identity *that* carefully, but I'm also not volunteering a lot of personal information. When I do, it is partly because I am semi-anonymous here so it feels like a semi-safe place. But that anonymity is also a barrier to developing genuine relationships here -- at least for me.

(Also, I've always considered you to be one of the "cool kids".:D)

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I understand what you mean about the closeness and/or lack of it. I suppose even when you get close with someone online, there is always that distance retained however much information you share, simply because you aren't meeting face to face. My fandom life has got rather muddled because I now meet up with some of my online friends, both at conventions and outside of that - and that is both scary and wonderful.

And even so, I wouldn't say I'm necessarily close to many people - I don't often like to share my worries and problems with anyone, not even with my husband sometimes. Though I might post something here that I wouldn't tell a friend in person. So - yes. Muddled!

It's interesting to see how responsive people are to this issue, and how it's seen as being tied into the liveliness of fandom and of LJ. It will be interesting to see if we can revive LJ!

[anactoria.livejournal.com]

And if I'm honest, I couldn't cope if loads of people suddenly decided to email me about stuff, I just wouldn't have time to deal with it! I have enough trouble as it is, trying to keep up with all the different communities and people on my Flist, and my other friends and family on Facebook and in real life.

I feel the same way, really. I think that's why I prefer LJ to faster-moving, ephemeral platforms like Twitter and Tumblr -- if you're not immediately on top of the discussion, you start to feel invisible. Whereas here, even if you come back to something after a few days, chances are someone will be glad to read what you've got to say. :)

And, uh, if it's not too rude of me to butt in...I'll be in London for the Nine Worlds con this weekend. If I'm able to get there and back in time, would it be okay if I popped along to the meetup to say hi?

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Oh! I'd thought about going to Nine Worlds this year but with everything else going on it kind of just slipped away from me - but if you have time to join us that would be wonderful!!
beelikej is coming over from Holland, and we have milly_gal, jj1965 and dizzojay there too. I think at the moment there should be 8 of us.

This is the pub we are meeting in, we'll be there from 12 to at least 4pm. I hope you can make it!