Old age and ill health

[amberdreams]

I was on Mum-in-Law visiting duty today because Paul has a training course that doesn't finish until 19:30. I haven't been to see her all that often, and she's been mostly okay when I have, but I know she's often very upset when Paul and Tony visit - well today was my first experience of that, and it is heartbreaking. When I arrived at the home I found her on her own in the dining room, her wheelchair pushed up at one of the dining tables in readiness for their dinner, even though it was nearly an hour away. I sat down next to her and tried to talk to her, but she was just quietly sobbing - and of course, she can't tell me (or anyone) what is bothering her. Though really, it's pretty bloody obvious.

She is stuck in a wheelchair with only one working arm and leg, she can't speak and she can't go home. It's not rocket science and you don't need to be a pyschologist to see that would be fucking depressing. So anyway, even though Paul's family never touch each other, I just held her good hand for a bit and hugged her. She didn't push me away, in fact she leaned into me and held onto my hand so I reckon it was some comfort. I hope so anyway.

So after a bit, and after she did try and speak (she can only get a kind of buh buh sound out, and she knows we can't understand her but I guess she has to try), I decided to take her outside for a bit, just to get some fresh air and collect herself a bit. We didn't stay outside that long, even with her coat on I didn't want her to get cold, and there isn't much to see - they have a nice paved path that goes around the building, and a garden of sorts but there's not much growning there yet, so unless Bob the tailless cat comes to investigate, there's not much to distract you from sad thoughts. It will be better when the weather gets warmer, we can take her over to Christchurch Park then, take our time and see the ducklings on the ponds.

Anyhow, I had to get her back inside for tea, and she was crying again when I left - so I felt like a complete bitch leaving her. But what can you do? Paul took his Dad to see her yesterday, and she actually managed to wheel herself out of the room to get away from him. Even when they were in the same room, she refused to look at him or interact with him in any way. He didn't notice. If she was to go home (which would require two or three carers to come in and look after her needs all day), there would be no escape from him and she would end up with her blood pressure sky high again like it was before her stroke. That man is a total arse - utterly self centred and manipulative - and would just drive her nuts. At least in the home there are people there who talk to her and care about her - like the bloke with red braces who looks a tiny bit like Paul's Granddad (her Dad), or the chatty man who talked to us while we were outside, or Irene the 100 year old, who is remarkably with it for her age, and can still get about in spite of being almost bent in half.

I'm rambling, but I feel better now I've vented.

Oh and herminekurotowa, remember there are worse things than being allowed to die with dignity - living with very little dignity left being one of those things. Hugs to you my dear.

Comments

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Thanks me dear.