Old age and ill health

[amberdreams]

I was on Mum-in-Law visiting duty today because Paul has a training course that doesn't finish until 19:30. I haven't been to see her all that often, and she's been mostly okay when I have, but I know she's often very upset when Paul and Tony visit - well today was my first experience of that, and it is heartbreaking. When I arrived at the home I found her on her own in the dining room, her wheelchair pushed up at one of the dining tables in readiness for their dinner, even though it was nearly an hour away. I sat down next to her and tried to talk to her, but she was just quietly sobbing - and of course, she can't tell me (or anyone) what is bothering her. Though really, it's pretty bloody obvious.

She is stuck in a wheelchair with only one working arm and leg, she can't speak and she can't go home. It's not rocket science and you don't need to be a pyschologist to see that would be fucking depressing. So anyway, even though Paul's family never touch each other, I just held her good hand for a bit and hugged her. She didn't push me away, in fact she leaned into me and held onto my hand so I reckon it was some comfort. I hope so anyway.

So after a bit, and after she did try and speak (she can only get a kind of buh buh sound out, and she knows we can't understand her but I guess she has to try), I decided to take her outside for a bit, just to get some fresh air and collect herself a bit. We didn't stay outside that long, even with her coat on I didn't want her to get cold, and there isn't much to see - they have a nice paved path that goes around the building, and a garden of sorts but there's not much growning there yet, so unless Bob the tailless cat comes to investigate, there's not much to distract you from sad thoughts. It will be better when the weather gets warmer, we can take her over to Christchurch Park then, take our time and see the ducklings on the ponds.

Anyhow, I had to get her back inside for tea, and she was crying again when I left - so I felt like a complete bitch leaving her. But what can you do? Paul took his Dad to see her yesterday, and she actually managed to wheel herself out of the room to get away from him. Even when they were in the same room, she refused to look at him or interact with him in any way. He didn't notice. If she was to go home (which would require two or three carers to come in and look after her needs all day), there would be no escape from him and she would end up with her blood pressure sky high again like it was before her stroke. That man is a total arse - utterly self centred and manipulative - and would just drive her nuts. At least in the home there are people there who talk to her and care about her - like the bloke with red braces who looks a tiny bit like Paul's Granddad (her Dad), or the chatty man who talked to us while we were outside, or Irene the 100 year old, who is remarkably with it for her age, and can still get about in spite of being almost bent in half.

I'm rambling, but I feel better now I've vented.

Oh and herminekurotowa, remember there are worse things than being allowed to die with dignity - living with very little dignity left being one of those things. Hugs to you my dear.

Comments

[fireheart13.livejournal.com]

You are so warm and sweet *hugs*

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I don't feel it! But thank you!

[brutti-ma-buoni.livejournal.com]

Oh, love. That's rotten, and tough for you as well. I'm glad she seemed to take some comfort from you - and also rather glad she's not pining for her husband. But I also remember my grandma grabbing my hand when she was in hospital and I was about 14, and just saying, "Never get old." But what can you do, indeed? Not much legal.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it isn't so much the getting old as the crap that accompanies it - and this stroke aftermath is nasty. It would have been kinder if it had taken her quickly. I feel for my hubby and his brother the most.

[herminekurotowa.livejournal.com]

Thank you honey. I said my goodbyes yesterday. I'm okay with her going now, and I'm glad that, in the end, it was just a matter of weeks. She always was a busy bee, and to think that she may have been confined to a wheel chair, or worse a bed, hurts more because she wouldn't have survived for long.

Maybe you should ask for an antidepressants description for your mil. My godmother died two years ago, aged 88. She became very bitchy, like she couldn't bear being happy, which was a sign of her depression. When we finally got her doctor to describe some meds, she got better and had some good months left. Your mil may be in need of some meds too?

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

This lingering helplessness is soul destroying for everyone, I am glad your MIL is leaving you gracefully. I am wondering about anti-depressants, I'll talk to Paul's brother about it (he's down as the primary carer).

[fufaraw]

It's such a scary process to witness. I need to find someone who'll help me do the deed, should it become necessary, (and avoid prosecution themselves). Any empathy you can offer is, I'm sure, appreciated, whether she can show that or not. It's hard when you want to do more, but sympathy is all you can offer.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

This with Paul's mum makes me appreciate that my Dad went relatively quickly - though he was in hospital for a while, he was getting better before suddenly he wasn't, and then he was gone within just a few days. That was kinder.

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

So sad to read that; old age can be so cruel.
I'm sure she appreciated your visit, even if she couldn't tell you so herself x

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I hope so.

[big-heart-june.livejournal.com]

I'm soo sorry, BB, it's so sad. it was really lovely of you to hug her and take her outside for a bit ♥

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

It doesn't feel like much.

[borgmama1of5.livejournal.com]

Watching someone lose their independence is so hard. It does matter, though, even if you don't see it, that you gave her your empathy and attention. Hugs.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Thanks me dear.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

Getting old seems to really suck for a lot of people. I suppose that it beats the alternative, but when things like strokes and dementia are present, I think I'd prefer to die young. :(

It probably wasn't any fun for you, but I bet it was a bright point in her day.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Yep, I'm hoping to die very quickly - bam! No lingering nastiness.

[zara-zee.livejournal.com]

How heartbreaking. I bet she really appreciated your compassion, your empathy and your interaction, even if she couldn't tell you. I'd second the discussion on anti-depressants and I'd also be asking if there's any therapy she can be doing around alternative communication methods. Not being able to communicate must be soul-destroying. Hugs to all of you.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Apparently she is on antidepressants but low doses. The trouble is, this isn't depression due to chemical imbalance in the brain, it's due to being stuck in a wheelchair unable to speak or walk or go home - and you can't medicate circumstances away.

We're trying communication cards, and she can write random words, but it's the stringing a coherent set of thoughts together that seems to be the problem. She's getting speech therapy but only every couple of weeks - NHS doesn't have the resources for the kind of intensive therapy I think she would benefit from. I wish I still knew the girl I used to play hockey with many years ago as she was a speech therapist and might have been able to advise. I think medical professionals dismiss old people as low priority because they assume the person's life is over. These homes are just waiting rooms for death to them.

[zara-zee.livejournal.com]

...you can't medicate circumstances away

That is so very true. And horrible but true that medical staff treat old people as low priority, probably because they're underfunded and have to triage somehow. Like when you mentioned yesterday that your MIL had been wheeled into place at the dining table even though it was an hour or something until dinner. It made her seem like a parcel rather than a person. Dehumanising and horrible. Is it just old folks in this home or is it a general rehab place?

Anyway, it sounds like you and your family are doing everything you can. Good luck. I really hope she is able to regain some decent quality of life. We all deserve that.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

To be fair to the home staff, she might have wheeled herself there - since they got her a lighter weight chair somehow she can get herself around a bit. I've no idea how she does it with only one hand, but she seems to manage by pulling on the rails they have fixed to the walls.

But yeah, this place is mostly but not all elderly. They have dementia patients upstairs and everyone else downstairs.

[sillie]

That's so heartbreaking. I'm glad you could give her at least a little comfort.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Let's hope it was a comfort. :D

[tifaching.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry that Paul's mum is going through this. I can imagine she is depressed. I'm sure that even if the family isn't used to a loving touch that it still is craved and appreciated when given and you taking care to do that probably meant a lot to her. I find the worst thing about going to visit a sick or elderly relative in a home not their own is having to leave them there when the visit ends. It's hard for both parties but going to see her is better than not even if it is heartbreaking. Hugs to you my dear.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I'd be depressed! Apparently she is on antidepressants but low doses. The trouble is, this isn't depression due to chemical imbalance in the brain, it's due to being stuck in a wheelchair unable to speak or walk or go home - and you can't medicate circumstances away.

[runedgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry, that has to be so difficult. You clearly did what you could and my guess is she did appreciate it. *hugs*

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

I hope so, thanks!

[dear-tiger.livejournal.com]

Poor Paul's mom :( Just being in a nursing home sounds awful, away from everything you've ever known and loved, not being able to live out the rest of your life in your house. But add everything else on top of it, and it's just heart breaking. I'm so sorry she has to live that! And fuck yeah for ignoring the shit out of the asshole. Not that he'd notice, of course. But I hope they never bring him over again.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Paul said Dad didn't seem to notice, and he even went home telling Paul's brother and sister that it's nice that Mum can talk again now. Where the hell he got that from we've no idea. I assume he's saying that because he's still upset she's more ill than he is.

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

The worst possible thing you can see is a loved one with absolutely no discernable dignity left, despite the fact that everyone around them is *trying* to give them that small sliver of it.

Personally, from everything you've said, despite her inability to communicate and move much, she is BETTER OFF away from her husband. I know, that sounds so harsh, but the man sounds like a complete prick!

Have the carers tried question and answer cards?

If she has any head movement or movement in her arms, and can still see relatively well, huge print question cards work really well. We use them a lot with our ladies and gents and they give a small amount of control back to a person when they feel trapped inside their own mind and body.

*hugs* I'm so sorry hun!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Yes to the cards, but a) we have difficulty getting the staff to keep the cards with her at all times and b) she doesn't seem to know how to use them - you can show her a card with three pictures on and get her to point to the cup over a tree or a dog BUT if you ask her to choose yes or no, or say which of those three things do you like the best, she doesn't seem to be able to do it. I've got Makaton downloaded onto our iPad, and she used to use it herself when she was a classroom assistant at a special school, but it seems to be beyond her now.

She has a speech therapist who sees her every two to three weeks, she has a couple of hours a day visits from Paul or his brother but none of that is enough time to get to grips with this - and when we visit she doesn't always want to sit still and concentrate on anything. We tried reading to her because she used to love reading, but she doesn't have the patience for that any more. She doesn't want to watch telly either. I dunno. I feel we could get her communicating better if we could spend entire days with her, working on it, but of course, nobody has the time for that.

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

It's such a shame that you can't find a way to spend a day with her, just working on it, but it's also so tiring, for all parties involved, I know how hard it can be to deal with this kind of thing. What you're doing is helping, and she'll appreciate all your compassion!

[madebyme-x.livejournal.com]

It's so tragic, but it sounds like offering her some physical contact, talking to her, and taking her outside made a difference to her day. We went through a very similar thing with my Grannie a few years ago, and it's so hard watching them just slowly give up. All you do can is see her when you can, and like you say maybe take her to a park or just a different surrounding and hope it offers some kind of stimulation.

My thoughts are with you. Take care

[be-my-precious.livejournal.com]

i'd think that she was happier to see you because you actually made the time and effort to be with her. *hugs*

[blythechild.livejournal.com]

Visiting when you can is a great help. My grandmother was in a home for several years after Grandpa died and as the years passed, she got sicker and sicker but the family stopped showing up to visit. She got very depressed. It was a long trek for me to visit but I went when I was able. I could see it meant a lot to her just to have me sit with her and ramble on about my stupid life. Eventually I could get her to laugh or rant about politics or something, and she was herself again for a while.

Your MIL can't talk but it probably means a lot to have visitors who don't drive her batty. She's still in there and that person needs to be respected. Like someone else suggested above, you might want to look into anti-depressants because this woman sounds like she deserves a little respite from what she's been through.

♥

[jj1564.livejournal.com]

That's so sad, what an awful situation for your mother-in-law to be in, not being able to communicate on top of all her other problems must be so frustrating. I'm pleased she responded when you held her hand and that you took her outside for a while, I'm sure she appreciated it, but how horrible for you to have to leave with her crying. So heart-breaking for her, and for you and Paul too. *hugs*