Dad update

[amberdreams]

First off, I'm sorry I haven't responded individually to all your kind and supportive comments yesterday, I did read every one of them and am grateful for all of them. A couple of people have asked if I mind prayers amongst the good wishes and of course I don't mind. All forms of postive thoughts are very welcome. Thank you all very much.

I got a call this morning from Mum asking me to come up to Shrewsbury because the consultant has decided Dad's condition meant the operation was no longer an option. He's on nil by mouth, they are giving him pain meds if he appears distressed, relaxants to help with his breathing and moistening his lips - but no water.

I travelled up and arrived at the hospital about 5pm, not knowing if he'd still be alive or not, or even whether I wanted him to be. Does that sound callous? I don't know. I wanted him to be alive so I could tell him I loved him and he was the best Dad I could ever have wished for - but that was probably more for my benefit than for his, because we have no idea if he can hear us or not. But there you go, I have now told him, and we'd made sure his hearing aid had a new battery and was switched on before I said it!

But basically, he's pretty much gone already, he just happens to be still breathing, and I am hoping he doesn't take to long to die, because it is too sad to see him like this. Not because he looks terrible and ill, but because he kind of doesn't? He feels too solid to be gone. He's been moved to a side room but the nurses are lovely. They really seem to care about him and Mum. They've been sorting her out with food and drink, and keep asking how she's doing when they came in to see to turning Dad. They also talk to him nicely, like he's still a real person, which is a comfort to us if not to him.

We've come home to the house tonight so Mum can get some sleep as she didn't get any rest last night. The nurses said they will ring us if anything changes - by which I assume they mean if he dies in the night. If he does, I don't know if we'll rush over there, after all, he'll be gone so what would be the point? It is really wierd to be here knowing he'll never come back to the house. I put some of his shirts away even though I know we'll be having to think about disposing of his clothes soon - it feels disrespectful to put them into a charity bag now though.

Mum seems to be holding up well at the moment. We are dissuading family from coming as the aunties are likely to want to be helpful round the house and will drive Mum nuts. I have to say, it is better this way round - Mum is competent and self reliant, and capable - if she'd gone first and left Dad on his own, he would not have coped well.

I'm rambling a bit now - I'll sign off and potter about doing mindless things for a bit. Thank you all again - who'd have thought remote friendships would be so comforting? Hugs to you all.

Comments

[sillie]

I'm so sorry to hear this. *big hug*

[cherie-morte.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetheart. This is such a heartbreaking thing to read. I'm so sorry that things have gone this way. It does seem that he's had to suffer as little as could be hoped for, and he knows he's surrounded by people he loves and who love him, whether he can hear you guys or not. You have been an amazing daughter to him and to your mom. *hugs you tight* I'm sending you guys all my love and well wishes.

[ephermeralk.livejournal.com]

Hey lady, hearing is the last thing to go, and I'm glad that you go to tell him. For both of you.

Glad your nurses are being good nurses. Always makes me happy to hear that--if I can't be doing it, at least someone out there is.

Hugs to your family, Amber.

♥ ♥

[fireheart13.livejournal.com]

So sorry, bb....holding you in my thoughts.

[reggie11.livejournal.com]

Oh sweetheart, I'm so so sorry this is happening. I wish I could be there to hug you in person, or that I could do or say something that would help ease your heart. You are in my thoughts, lovely lady. Sending you much love xx

[sophiap.livejournal.com]

I am so, so sorry. I'm glad you had a chance to say your farewells.

**hugs**

[ramblin_rosie]

Oh, Amber, I am so, so sorry. *HUUUUUGS and tea and chocolate*

[blackrabbit42.livejournal.com]

My heart is breaking for you. Holding you close in my thoughts.

:(

[quickreaver.livejournal.com]

Aw, Amb. Dang blast it.

You are NOT callous. It's not callous in the least to want your dad to not be suffering any more. (I watched my own father wither from cancer. I know what you're going through.

We all feel like we know him, from everything you've told us about him. What a champ! He's so blessed to have you and your mum, just as you both are blessed to have him.

Sending all my love for a peaceful resolution to this.

*hugs*

[galwithglasses.livejournal.com]

Oh dear heart, I am so sorry. Please let your Mum know we are thinking of all of you. I'm glad you are there with her. It's good you got a chance to say goodbye. I think that will matter down the road a ways and I have to believe that somehow he heard you. It sounds like he is as comfortable as can be and that he has caring staff with him. I'm glad you've shared him with us through stories. ((Hugs to you.))

[meus_venator]

I am so sorry to hear that hon. I had hoped you'd have happier news, your dad seems so indefatigable it was hard not to hope for the best. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom. I can't even imagine how you're feeling.

One thing for sure you enjoyed every minute you had together in good times, and you're there for him in the bad, so no regrets. You are an amazing daughter and I'm sure both he and your mom knows that. Much love to you all.

[tifaching.livejournal.com]

Hugs back to you, amber. Do whatever mindless things bring you ease and don't forget to take care of yourself in the midst of everything that is and will be going on.

[havenseptember6.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My thoughts are with you and your mom.

[whiskygalore.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you are your family are going through. While we all know our parents aren't going to be around for ever it's still painfully heartbreaking to say goodbye and watch them go. My thoughts are with you and your mum at this awful time. Take care of yourself, hugs xx

[badbastion.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry ((hugs)) I'm glad you got to tell him you loved him, and glad that the nurses are treating him kindly. I'll be thinking about you a lot and sending all good thoughts your way.

[http://users.livejournal.com/tesserae_/]

*hugs*

I will hold good thought for all of you & mostly especially your adorable Dad...

[indiachick.livejournal.com]

Oh, Amber. I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I know how you feel, and it's got nothing to do with callousness. Two of my grandparents were the same at the end, and it sucks, but I'm amazed at how well you and your Mom seem to be coping. I'm sure he's proud of you, and that he's had a beautiful, well-loved life with a family like yours. As for us, we're all here for you if you need us to take your mind off things, offer comfort, or just send lots and lots of virtual hugs.

Sending all my love. ((hugs))

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

I don't think you are being callous. I hope your dad passes painlessly, easily, and swiftly. No one wants to lose a loved one, but in this type of situation, you don't want to hold on, either.

Thank you for sharing this journey with us, and I hope the support of this community helps you in the hard days to come.

[raloria.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry they've decided not to operate, but perhaps it's for the best? Surgery can be quite traumatic for the elderly. Nice to hear the nursing staff are so kind to your mom and your dad during this difficult time.

I wish I knew what to say...even though I've been through this situation myself. I am glad you got to say your goodbyes. That's so important, for you especially. Keeping you all in my thoughts. *hugs*

[999alena.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear your news, but it is good that you have had a chance to let your dad know how you feel about him.
Please don't feel guilty or selfish about your reactions- they are completely natural as you only want what is best for you and yours.
We tend to hear about the negative side of treatment so it is good to hear that the nursing team are caring and considerate.
Please take care of youself and know that you and your family are very much in my thoughts.

[elsiecat.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry (;_;) I dont know what to say...pls allow me to hug you and your Mum tightly...

[ladywillin.livejournal.com]

Amber I'm really sorry to hear this.

Thinking about you, your mum and your dad and sending strength and my very best wishes.

*hugs*

[shippen-stand.livejournal.com]

My thoughts are with you, for strength and grace.

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Lots and lots and lots of hugs!!!!

[mangacat201.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. But I want to let you know that it's ok for you to not want him to linger, if there's no kind of life for him to stay for. Still, it's also ok to feel sad and bereaved even if you can brace yourself for it.
I hope you and your mum can help each other through this tough time alright, but since you have a good relationship, I have no doubts you'll be able to give each other the support you need.
We're all keeping you and your family in your thoughts, be sure of that!