Oh Dear Dave...

[amberdreams]

I don't know if any of you remember me talking about the editing/rewriting work I was doing for the bloke who decorated the outside of our house? Long story short, he told me he had some children's books written and wanted me to edit them. The first one was about two fishcakes. Yeah.
Well anyway, I did that one, then I've done three more - some so awful I had to almost completely rewrite them for all sorts of reasons (horny pizzas, anyone?). They are all still pretty dreadful but at least the spelling is ok and they kind of flow. A bit.

Here's his promo for the fishcakes one!

Now seriously, would you buy something a) about fish cakes and b) with characters that look like THAT? Bearing in mind this is for preschoolers...

Comments

[fairyniamh]

The narrator sounded like she was having a difficult time muffling her laughter.

Why does the girl fish cake look like a prostitute? Fish cakes with jugs... and wow, what a topic for a children's book. Dating, because you know ALL 5 and 6 year old kids think about dating. Will it be a good date or a bad?

Also, if my fish cake looks like that, I'll kill it and see if my cats will eat it. Though, I don't want them to eat make-up. Hmm, maybe I should just trap it and send it to the CDC.

I don't even think Troma Entertainment would touch this... and they have committed some terrible movies! (If you do not know who Troma Entertainment is, well, you're lucky. They have done films such as Toxic Avenger, Nuke 'em High, Poultrygeist) I don't think Full Moon Features would go for it either (Evil Bong, Killjoy, Puppet Master.)

Wow, just... wow. I need to go watch some bad B horror in hopes of forgetting this. rofl. I am sorry you had to read through it... or even look at it.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Ha ha ha thank you - the story itself was bad enough, I did my best to make it better but really... But when I saw the picture his artist had done - I was gobsmacked! I've no idea what the brief was he'd given the guy but 4-5 year olds???? NO!

[alexisjane.livejournal.com]

I remember the post well. So well that I'm too scared to watch the promo.

I'm scarred, I tell you x

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Be afraid, be very afraid...

[alexisjane.livejournal.com]

I would love a psychologist to get a hold of this though...all the imagery with the snakes and mushrooms and elephant...plus mr fishcake not being able to keep his trousers on...I assuming the guy's not in a relationship : / x

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Strangely he's got a partner, a cute little boy called Cyril and another baby on the way...!

[bflyw.livejournal.com]

Oh,  wow - that is horrible! There is so much wrong there,  that I don't know where to start.... definitely not suitable for preschoolers - or ANYONE ELSE!
I didn't think fishcakes would have trouble not falling out of her BRA, but then I didn't think fish cakes looked like that.... and could her skirt be any shorter? Also - did he have to look like a 70ies porn star, all he lacked was the pornstash.
*get me some brain bleach*

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

ha ha ha oh god a pornstache! THAT'S what I was missing...

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

I...It...O.o Okay then! *snorts* The narrator is having issues not laughing! lol! How exactly did that get published, lol!!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Self published on Amazon...

[milly-gal.livejournal.com]

Okayyyyyy

[el1ie.livejournal.com]

My sympathies for your difficulties magnified 200% when I saw his reply to a crit on amazon - um, that crit was VERY mild compared to what he'd be faced with over here and his reply makes no sense at all! I found his subject matter and the overtly sexual aspects of his drawings totally uncalled for in a story for children and I'm not sure what kind of fishcakes he has on his brain but they're not the kind of thing I would want to come across on a wet afternoon. However, I admit, I do have an aversion to 'talking foodstuff'.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

He seems to have a thing about talking food - that one with the horny pizza (which I edited to call it Chilli Pizza) ended up with the two hero pizzas getting cooked in a supermarket oven.

[rockstarpeach.livejournal.com]

And the fact that they "Go Wild"? I'm picturing bad spring break videos.

Wow. Just wow.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

IKR?

[dear-tiger.livejournal.com]

Sooooo, this can get published but you and I can't? :D But seriously, without reading the post, the cover made me think "A morbidly obese married couple from Alabama take a vacation in Florida, where they wear shorts, take lots of photos and tease the gators". But oh, my bad, this is a kid's book? About dating between fishcakes? Scared to listen to the promo.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

As I said to tripper, he's self published on Amazon so it's not really published (thank goodness!) though I've NO idea how he's wangled so many positive reviews on his website!

[dear-tiger.livejournal.com]

Okay, that makes me feel better. Positive reviews - friends and family? :D

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

The handful on Amazon were people he gave free copies to in order to get reviews (and even then one was honest and said the pictures were creepy!) but the 20+ on his website seem to be Americans. So I've no idea where he got them from.

[tripperfunster.livejournal.com]

No, really. How is this published? My friend wrote a story about an experience she had as an Aboriginal child here in Canada, and I drew some illus for it, and no one will touch it with a ten foot pole.

Perhaps I should draw her creepier and sluttier?

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Comfort yourself, he's self published on Amazon. I'm not sure how he's managed to get so many favourable reviews on his website though.

[dizzojay.livejournal.com]

I think I'd have nightmares for life if someone had bought that for me when I was a nipper.
You really do have to wonder how some peoples' minds work!!!

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Well I certainly wonder how Dave's mind works. If you want a laugh, read his biography on Amazon, it's hilarious!

[aerynsun5.livejournal.com]

Dude, that's hysterical! I hope it didn't cause you too much pain. But it probably did.

I work with a guy who used to work in Hollywood (he was an assoc producer on the Simpson's movie), and he's done 3 very quirky animated movies, supposedly for young kids, but they're all 90 minutes long. My attention span was never that good when I was 3 or 4. Anyhow, all the voices are done by his friends. In the third one, I play a cherry tomato with a voice like Shirley Temple. The debut is in March sometime. He's been winning prizes, so maybe it's just me...

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Oh you'll have to post a clip of that because I just cannot imagine a cherry tomato Shirley Temple...!

[aerynsun5.livejournal.com]

If I recognize myself. I read my lines out of context with the rest of the story, and I know he fiddled with the sound (probably because mine was kinda weird, and he didn't want to offend his boss by deleting her lines). I'll see if I can figure it out at the red carpet event. Well, not a red carpet exactly. It's at the artsy small cinema. The hipsters would scorn red carpets.