Downer post - no squee here
May. 11th, 2015 07:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amberdreamsWarning - not a happy post. Personal and stuff so don't read if you are looking for upbeat me.
Coming down…
I was ok over the weekend most of the time but I did have a meltdown yesterday morning. I went to the coffee lounge with Orlando Jones (who is, by the way, a fascinating, funny and really sweet chap), and he was talking about accents and voices. He started saying his Dad had the most ridiculous way of speaking – really fast and stuttering, and it always made him laugh because half the time he couldn’t understand a word his Dad was saying. It was a funny story but for some reason I had a gut reaction to it and was tearing up. Luckily I managed to squish down the urge to cry and thought I was back in control. However, I then bumped into jj and Alison in the hotel foyer, and June asked how I was doing. I started explaining I’d felt a bit emotional in Orlando’s lounge and bam! I was sobbing. Fucking embarrassing, right in the middle of the hotel.
Funnily enough, people probably thought I was just getting hysterical about J2 (their photo shoot was going on at the time) – because the corridors were littered with weeping women.
I am dreading the funeral. To be perfectly honest, I don’t see how an occasion that you know will be fucking traumatic and gut-wrenching will somehow make you feel better afterwards. I don’t get this ‘saying goodbye’ business. I already did that in hospital while he was still breathing and maybe could hear me and that was far more important that sitting there with a bunch of people, at least some of whom are kind of there to see the family grieve in public.
I understand that other people need to say their goodbyes, and I do want to hear people say nice things about Dad, of course I do – BUT I know tomorrow I probably won’t be able to take any of that in, or fucking remember it either. In a way, I’d rather do the whole Speaking for the Dead performance in a year’s time, that would make more sense to me.
So yeah. Dreading it.
Coming down…
I was ok over the weekend most of the time but I did have a meltdown yesterday morning. I went to the coffee lounge with Orlando Jones (who is, by the way, a fascinating, funny and really sweet chap), and he was talking about accents and voices. He started saying his Dad had the most ridiculous way of speaking – really fast and stuttering, and it always made him laugh because half the time he couldn’t understand a word his Dad was saying. It was a funny story but for some reason I had a gut reaction to it and was tearing up. Luckily I managed to squish down the urge to cry and thought I was back in control. However, I then bumped into jj and Alison in the hotel foyer, and June asked how I was doing. I started explaining I’d felt a bit emotional in Orlando’s lounge and bam! I was sobbing. Fucking embarrassing, right in the middle of the hotel.
Funnily enough, people probably thought I was just getting hysterical about J2 (their photo shoot was going on at the time) – because the corridors were littered with weeping women.
I am dreading the funeral. To be perfectly honest, I don’t see how an occasion that you know will be fucking traumatic and gut-wrenching will somehow make you feel better afterwards. I don’t get this ‘saying goodbye’ business. I already did that in hospital while he was still breathing and maybe could hear me and that was far more important that sitting there with a bunch of people, at least some of whom are kind of there to see the family grieve in public.
I understand that other people need to say their goodbyes, and I do want to hear people say nice things about Dad, of course I do – BUT I know tomorrow I probably won’t be able to take any of that in, or fucking remember it either. In a way, I’d rather do the whole Speaking for the Dead performance in a year’s time, that would make more sense to me.
So yeah. Dreading it.
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no subject
Date: 2015-05-11 07:29 am (UTC)Funerals must help some people, but it's such a personal thing, and I'm with you. The public grieving just doesn't resonate with me.
As horrid as tomorrow will be, the dreading is often worse than the actual event. At least this way you can get it over and done, and return to healing on your own terms.
Hang in there, sweetie. And I hope it is at least a nice memorial for your father.