Old age and ill health

[amberdreams]

I was on Mum-in-Law visiting duty today because Paul has a training course that doesn't finish until 19:30. I haven't been to see her all that often, and she's been mostly okay when I have, but I know she's often very upset when Paul and Tony visit - well today was my first experience of that, and it is heartbreaking. When I arrived at the home I found her on her own in the dining room, her wheelchair pushed up at one of the dining tables in readiness for their dinner, even though it was nearly an hour away. I sat down next to her and tried to talk to her, but she was just quietly sobbing - and of course, she can't tell me (or anyone) what is bothering her. Though really, it's pretty bloody obvious.

She is stuck in a wheelchair with only one working arm and leg, she can't speak and she can't go home. It's not rocket science and you don't need to be a pyschologist to see that would be fucking depressing. So anyway, even though Paul's family never touch each other, I just held her good hand for a bit and hugged her. She didn't push me away, in fact she leaned into me and held onto my hand so I reckon it was some comfort. I hope so anyway.

So after a bit, and after she did try and speak (she can only get a kind of buh buh sound out, and she knows we can't understand her but I guess she has to try), I decided to take her outside for a bit, just to get some fresh air and collect herself a bit. We didn't stay outside that long, even with her coat on I didn't want her to get cold, and there isn't much to see - they have a nice paved path that goes around the building, and a garden of sorts but there's not much growning there yet, so unless Bob the tailless cat comes to investigate, there's not much to distract you from sad thoughts. It will be better when the weather gets warmer, we can take her over to Christchurch Park then, take our time and see the ducklings on the ponds.

Anyhow, I had to get her back inside for tea, and she was crying again when I left - so I felt like a complete bitch leaving her. But what can you do? Paul took his Dad to see her yesterday, and she actually managed to wheel herself out of the room to get away from him. Even when they were in the same room, she refused to look at him or interact with him in any way. He didn't notice. If she was to go home (which would require two or three carers to come in and look after her needs all day), there would be no escape from him and she would end up with her blood pressure sky high again like it was before her stroke. That man is a total arse - utterly self centred and manipulative - and would just drive her nuts. At least in the home there are people there who talk to her and care about her - like the bloke with red braces who looks a tiny bit like Paul's Granddad (her Dad), or the chatty man who talked to us while we were outside, or Irene the 100 year old, who is remarkably with it for her age, and can still get about in spite of being almost bent in half.

I'm rambling, but I feel better now I've vented.

Oh and herminekurotowa, remember there are worse things than being allowed to die with dignity - living with very little dignity left being one of those things. Hugs to you my dear.

Comments

[zara-zee.livejournal.com]

How heartbreaking. I bet she really appreciated your compassion, your empathy and your interaction, even if she couldn't tell you. I'd second the discussion on anti-depressants and I'd also be asking if there's any therapy she can be doing around alternative communication methods. Not being able to communicate must be soul-destroying. Hugs to all of you.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

Apparently she is on antidepressants but low doses. The trouble is, this isn't depression due to chemical imbalance in the brain, it's due to being stuck in a wheelchair unable to speak or walk or go home - and you can't medicate circumstances away.

We're trying communication cards, and she can write random words, but it's the stringing a coherent set of thoughts together that seems to be the problem. She's getting speech therapy but only every couple of weeks - NHS doesn't have the resources for the kind of intensive therapy I think she would benefit from. I wish I still knew the girl I used to play hockey with many years ago as she was a speech therapist and might have been able to advise. I think medical professionals dismiss old people as low priority because they assume the person's life is over. These homes are just waiting rooms for death to them.

[zara-zee.livejournal.com]

...you can't medicate circumstances away

That is so very true. And horrible but true that medical staff treat old people as low priority, probably because they're underfunded and have to triage somehow. Like when you mentioned yesterday that your MIL had been wheeled into place at the dining table even though it was an hour or something until dinner. It made her seem like a parcel rather than a person. Dehumanising and horrible. Is it just old folks in this home or is it a general rehab place?

Anyway, it sounds like you and your family are doing everything you can. Good luck. I really hope she is able to regain some decent quality of life. We all deserve that.

[amberdreams.livejournal.com]

To be fair to the home staff, she might have wheeled herself there - since they got her a lighter weight chair somehow she can get herself around a bit. I've no idea how she does it with only one hand, but she seems to manage by pulling on the rails they have fixed to the walls.

But yeah, this place is mostly but not all elderly. They have dementia patients upstairs and everyone else downstairs.