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Warning - not a happy post. Personal and stuff so don't read if you are looking for upbeat me.

Coming down…

I was ok over the weekend most of the time but I did have a meltdown yesterday morning. I went to the coffee lounge with Orlando Jones (who is, by the way, a fascinating, funny and really sweet chap), and he was talking about accents and voices. He started saying his Dad had the most ridiculous way of speaking – really fast and stuttering, and it always made him laugh because half the time he couldn’t understand a word his Dad was saying. It was a funny story but for some reason I had a gut reaction to it and was tearing up. Luckily I managed to squish down the urge to cry and thought I was back in control. However, I then bumped into jj and Alison in the hotel foyer, and June asked how I was doing. I started explaining I’d felt a bit emotional in Orlando’s lounge and bam! I was sobbing. Fucking embarrassing, right in the middle of the hotel.

Funnily enough, people probably thought I was just getting hysterical about J2 (their photo shoot was going on at the time) – because the corridors were littered with weeping women.

I am dreading the funeral. To be perfectly honest, I don’t see how an occasion that you know will be fucking traumatic and gut-wrenching will somehow make you feel better afterwards. I don’t get this ‘saying goodbye’ business. I already did that in hospital while he was still breathing and maybe could hear me and that was far more important that sitting there with a bunch of people, at least some of whom are kind of there to see the family grieve in public.

I understand that other people need to say their goodbyes, and I do want to hear people say nice things about Dad, of course I do – BUT I know tomorrow I probably won’t be able to take any of that in, or fucking remember it either. In a way, I’d rather do the whole Speaking for the Dead performance in a year’s time, that would make more sense to me.

So yeah. Dreading it.

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*Hugs* You had nothing to be embarrassed about, that kind of thing always hits you when you least expect it. And I'm with you I can't understand why funerals take so long to happen. As you say you've said you're goodbyes, and you're starting to come to terms a little with the loss. And then there's the funeral, and it just rips the wound open again.

I wish I could offer something in the way of comfort, but I understand exactly what you're saying. All I can say is we will all be thinking of you, and I just wish I could do more than offer a virtual hug. But if you ever need to bend someone's ear, I'm here to listen.

Thanks me dear, I had plenty of hugs this weekend to keep me going xx

I mainly can't remember my dad's funeral, it was 10 years ago, but what I remember is the horrible priest my siblings insisted on. If I could re-do the whole funeral with a different priest, I'd be on that in a heartbeat.

I said goodbye to my dad the day before he passed and the day of his passing I didn't really cry. But I mostly bawled my eyes out at the funeral a week later and I think it was mainly the fault of the music that was played. I mean, ever since I realised how old my dad was, I had been mentally preparing for his passing.

But it is hard. Especially if one is a daddy's girl like I was.

*hugs* it does get better

We are never too old to be Daddy's girls - hugs you...

I know it gets better - and we actually weren't going to have any music because both me and Mum knew whatever we chose it would make everything harder to cope with. But then we changed our minds. Dad loved music so much, plus the discomfort of silence for bringing the coffin into the room for everyone else - we thought we'd better add something. So now we have three pieces, and I know the Dvorjak New World symphony will set me off.

Thanks me dear.

As someone who does that spontaneous sobbing thing over lost pets, I sure as hell don't think there's anything wrong with doing it over parents.

Funerals must help some people, but it's such a personal thing, and I'm with you. The public grieving just doesn't resonate with me.

As horrid as tomorrow will be, the dreading is often worse than the actual event. At least this way you can get it over and done, and return to healing on your own terms.

Hang in there, sweetie. And I hope it is at least a nice memorial for your father.

I'm so sorry you have to go through that... hugs

I'm with you on funerals and I remember being touched by Speaker for the Dead when I read it years ago.

You'll be in my thoughts today.

**Hugs** I wish I had words of wisdom to offer, but I can only say that I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength and comfort.

There's nothing embarrassing about melting down as you did - it's the most normal thing ever; I thought you did amazingly well at the weekend under the circumstances, and I totally get how you feel about the funeral.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, and I'll be sure to raise a glass to your Dad after his, no doubt, lovely send off.

x

*hugs*

You're in my thoughts today. ♥

I think what happened at the con was completely natural and to be expected. Grief comes in waves like that, triggered by all kinds of things. And I'm with you as far as disliking funerals. I'm much more inclined to want to go to the woods, walk far in, and feel my feels in private.

You'll get through it, though, and then be able to grieve in your own time and way.

*hugs you so hard* You had absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about, he was obviously touching a part of you that needed some air is all and it's perfectly understandable.

A funeral isn't technically for the family members who've already said their goodbyes, it's for the other people to say them, which sucks because as you say you've started to come to terms in a small way with what's happened. It just shreds that calm you've built for yourself.

I wish I could offer more comfort, or more of a barrier between you and the funeral and the experience, but just know that I am thinking of you, thinking of you hard, and I'm here if you need anything at all hun! ♥

Grief will hit you at any time, hon and be triggered by many things. I wish I could tell you that isn't so but it will happen. I'm glad you got a good cry in, you've been through something incredibly traumatic and dealing incredibly well but it catches up eventually.

Funerals suck. There's no way around it. But you'll be among family and friends, people who care about you, and you'll all help each other get through it.

Hugs to you and your mom.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about, especially at a time like this. Sometimes these things happen, and it knocks for you for six but there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I hope the funeral goes OK, sometimes you just want these things be over and done with. Thinking about you.

again - I will not at all try to pretend I know what you are going through - because I don't!

Hopefully you will find some comfort tomorrow - even thought you can't imagine that happening today. And maybe you don't - but maybe later in life, you will look back and think that you are happy you went through it after all. No one! NO ONE (if they do - they are stupid) will think it's any weird that you break down now and then due to this. This is all new and raw yet. Of you won't keep it together all the time - and it's probably not even healthy for you to pull yourself together all the time. And if people do look at you and wonder why you are bawling your eyes out, so what? YOU know why you are doing it - and the people that matter know why! The rest of them - their opinion doesn't matter! Actually - only YOUR opinion matter (and you better be nice to yourself!)

HUGS!!!

Sending hugs and sympathy...

I'm so sorry you are goin through this. Even though we can't be there, know that we're carrying you in our thoughts these next few days.

((((hugs)))

(hugs)

I am so sorry. Grief can sideline you at the oddest times, can't it? I hope you're able to get through the funeral with as little trauma as possible.

Hugs and love, bb, always. You're in my thoughts.

Nothing embarrassing about it, bb, you had an intense couple of weeks to deal with. I'm glad to hear you were surrounded by friends.

Wishing you and your family strength for the funeral. *hugs tight*

I wish I could give you a real, in-person hug. It's okay to not be okay. Funerals are hard. You've always been such a sweetheart in all your comments to me, and it my heart breaks for you that you are having to go through this. I also admire how strong you've been through it all. Sending you a hundred long-distance internet hugs.

(((((HUG)))))

It's awful, it truly is.

But you'll make it.

Love you.

Grief is unpredictable -- feel when you need to, express it when you need to, there is absolutely no shame in it. It's hard when the conventional things like funerals aren't in tune with what you're feeling or how you're going through it. It may be that even if it isn't the meaningful part of the goodbyes for you, there will be things you'll be glad to have heard and to be able to remember in the future, and the reminder that your father's life touched a lot of other lives.

Hugs to you.

((Hugs)) You've had such a stressful time lately I really do feel for you. Your emotions must be all over the place right now. Funerals are awful, no question. I barely remember my own dad's funeral, it was just something to get through without completely losing it. It was a huge relief when it was all over though. Life doesn't go back to normal afterwards, not with such a big loss, but it does go on one day at a time, and I guess the funeral is as much for your family and friends to say goodbye to your dad and tell you how much they loved him.

Take care of yourself and your mum, and never ever feel embarrassed about letting your emotions show.

xx

Cons can be emotional rollercoasters -- so much excitement, a lot of screaming and yelling, hormonal women everywhere, joyful moments (and some seriously irritating ones). I don't think it is unusual at all in that setting for something to trigger your feelings about your dad and for you not to be able to suppress those feelings. Absolutely nothing for you to feel bad about.

I am sorry that you are dreading the funeral and can only hope that is it easier than you expect.

*many hugs*

You've been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks, I'm not surprised that at some point it all boiled over, sometimes the strangest things just hit you for six, a photograph, a scent, a sound, a tiny thing sets in motion all that sadness that's been bubbling under the surface and especially with all the con stuff, everything comes crashing down. It's normal, human beings do this, don't beat yourself up about it.

The only thing you'll feel better about after the funeral, is that the funeral is over and it's not hanging over you any longer. I find them horrible and the very sight of the coffin just fills me up with emotions I can't handle, so tomorrow is going to be hard for you. Whatever happens though, don't ever feel you should or shouldn't behave in a particular way, grief is a selfish little bastard and gives no warnings and no hiding places. There's no right or wrong way to get through tomorrow, you just get through it the best way you can.

**hugs** Will be thinking of you.

So sorry, dear. <3 :-( I know that all the arrangements and worrying about family and other people are just a distraction from proper grieving, but I was surprised to find that the funeral DID help. When you get there and see how many people were affected by your dad and loved him, when people who don't usually hug you do, when there's a space where the tears are SUPPOSED to flow, when that damn music stabs you in the heart and you just let it, it's a release. I hope it's so for you, and I hope it feels like a celebration of his life, and that you're surrounded by love.

As for the random weepiness, I was SO RIGHT THERE. I mean, still sometimes. When I talked to my mom about how she's doing now, and she told me it's getting a little better-- BAM! floods. :-} It will be like that, and it's OK for it to be like that. If it doesn't sound weird... on a level, try to enjoy it. I did. For me it was nice to have a socially acceptable excuse to just let it flow, be as emotional as I wanted, and on a level, I've always enjoyed an intensity of sadness as the opposite pole to wild joy, creating a balance and allowing me to fully feel both, if that makes sense. I hope you can find some solace in that. <3 <3

And I'm so glad there was fun to be had and hugs to be gotten and love to be shared. We're all thinking of you! <3

*hugs* I have to help arrange my mom's funeral later this summer too, at least she was cremated so I don't have to think about a casket or anything, but yeah, it sucks. :/ I updated the bigpretzel doc in case you need a silly distraction this week. :D

Oh my dear, I felt terrible making you cry yesterday! That's exactly why I'd not mentioned your dad, and I should have kept quiet. But, as you said, no one battered an eyelid as there were a lot of weeping women (and men!) around. I was dreading my mum's funeral and it's a hard thing to go through, but having so many people there saying how much she meant to them and knowing how much she was loved did help, so I hope you'll get some comfort. It is, as you said completely traumatic, and how you grieve and how you cope are personal, everyone is different. I'm thinking of you my dear and once again I'm so sorry for yesterday *hugs you tight*

Please don't feel bad! As you probably know, these things will come out when they feel like it, not when it's convenient and it wasn't your kind concern that had set me off anyway - it was that random comment by Orlando.

I've just sorted out my photo ops so will be back with a squee post shortly! I have managed to accumulate over 800 emails in three days....Gulp!

Edited 2015-05-11 16:40 (UTC)

Aw thanks my dear! It's very true, you never know when it will happen, it just gets overwhelming and you just have to go with it.

800 emails!! Wow! I've just posted my photo ops and I'm going through the pics I took.

I'm so, so sorry, bb. I wish I could do something to make it better. Holding you very close in my thoughts *HUGS*************************************************************

You have been dealing with a huge amount and have been coping so well. Please don't feel awkward about your reactions- they are completely natural.
Take your time and let yourself deal with your loss in the way that fits you.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow- take care

*hugs*

I love you so, so so much bb. <333333333333333333333

I'm so sorry things have been so hard. :(

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